This I abjure:
rough young magicians with red hair
and freckles and the memories
of them which have dissolved me in tears.
Full fathom five
my father lies and my beloved
and my beloved and
the ones I thought, however briefly
beloved
and of their bones is coral made
and of my heart
is hope squeezed not quite dry.
Even as the leaves cover paths
and grasses parch, there is nothing
but expectation
of the island, the prospect
of the buoys tolling in the sea
the cloudless sky
the spells
for which no longer have I breath,
of the final nothing at all.
He died, and I admired the crisp vehemence of a lifetime reduced to half a foot of shelf space. But others came to me saying, we too loved him, let us take you to the place of our love. So they showed me everything, everything-- a cliff of notebooks with every draft and erasure of every poem he published or rejected, thatched already with webs of annotation. I went in further and saw a hill of matchcovers from every bar or restaurant he'd ever entered. Trucks backed up constantly, piled with papers, and awaited by archivists with shovels; forklifts bumped through trough and valley to adjust the spillage. Here odors of rubbery sweat intruded on the pervasive smell of stale paper, no doubt from the mound of his collected sneakers. I clambered up the highest pile and found myself looking across not history but the vistas of a steaming range of garbage reaching to the coast itself. Then I lost my footing! and was carried down on a soft avalanche of letters, paid bills, sexual polaroids, and notes refusing invitations, thanking fans, resisting scholars. In nightmare I slid, no ground to stop me,
until I woke at last where I had napped beside the precious half foot. Beyond that, nothing, nothing at all.
Youse talkin' to me? So up came the topic of Pride's possible irrelevance, and I can say - I DID read the rant (loosely termed 'article') that the link led me to.
And I read it again - and still - this is a writer who wants an excuse to celebrate 'being gay'. And wants Pride to be the thing he enjoys and the parade that no one poops on.
Well, I step up to fling my poo.
"Why don't the papers ever show the NORMAL gay people? Where are the bankers and lawyers? Why must all the coverage be drag queens and leather freaks in ass-less chaps?" I don't enjoy "Pride" - either as a political statement (which I don't believe it is any longer) or a 'celebration' (which I don't find very amusing or festive). So I don't attend - and I leave it to those that are seeking a chance to just let loose and express their individuality.
Knock yourselves out. No really.
I don't care if Pride survives or dries up completely in its current state. To me, it is irrelevant. But to me so is Styx or Huey Lewis & The News when they are on tour. I'm not buying tickets to sit through those performances - even if I hum along with their tunes.
Lisa Simpson: "You're here every year. We ARE used to it."
When there is a gay event (or any sort of event) that resonates with me, I will be there to show my support and my individuality in spades. Just as I have done, every day of my life, with friends, family, and sometimes complete strangers. No need for special occasions, thousands of bodies massed around me chanting, or autos wrapped in chicken wire and tucked with tissue paper.
Jew/Holocaust/Worn Out Cliches aside - this side says - "ooh icky drag queens and leather bears" - that side says "ooh boring yuppy gays with normal yuppy lives" - and each side hisses and spits at the other.
"They wish we were invisible. We're not. Let's dance.
Well, then dance - every day, in front of everyone you know. And ask them to dance with you. And dance with the people you want to dance with - whether they are your people/your tribe or not.
The lovely Kethrai introduced me to a quote a long time ago: "If you can walk you can dance. If you can talk you can sing." - Zimbabwe Proverb
A bit of a collection of recent rants - specifically about being gay, in the military (or like field), where gay isn't wanted:
Why did I go into the military?
[x] Parents divorced [x] Living situation sucked [x] No money for college [x] Grew up fast and learned a lot
All of the above here.
I would never undo my time in the military. I learned too much, grew a lot as a person - and met some of my truest friends. BUT, I can't imagine having enlisted for another 4 yrs.
Making sure you have a strong ring around you is important.
I guess - you just have to find a group of folks that can be balanced and impartial - yet, at the same time give a gentle nudge, slap or kick as needed when you're feeling low.
My friends and family have always provided - in abundance.
As for the 'why did you enlist?', 'why do you stay?', 'have you lost all sense of reason and dignity?' type questions and comments: PIFFLE.
These are the questions you are strapped with already. Folks either have to be open to the fact you are there - or - well, zip it.
Whether the military is the most choice place to be as a homosexual or not - but for bending the rules, but for breaking into areas where folks would prefer you just don't go - it just holds everybody down.
There are so many things that someone has to do - and someone might be gay or straight - and if someone gay goes into the military, and succeeds daily despite all of the weight and obstacles that can trip that person up - don't knock that person down.
Salute them. Support them.
Some folks seem to find it incredibly easy to say - 'it's all or nothing' - come out or keep quiet.
A quote from one such folk:"What I am saying is that you are not powerless over your situation.
You have choices, and as always there is a consequence to every choice. Its life."
And as such - a person has the right to ask for help and support from other folks.
If the idea is that no one should ever approach something that's unattainable - or that a person should only do the things that allow them to be who they want to be, when they want to be, without any 'filtering' or without any weight for the consequences of their actions, what a friggin' scary place the world would be. Or may be becoming.
I would ask these free-wheeling folks, what is your life experience - your age, what you do for a living, where you live, etc. Those things have an impact on how you relate to the world. And may make it very black & white for you with regards to your sexuality.
One of the things I sometimes find perplexing about change in society is how slowly and then quickly and then slowly it occurs. And how sometimes it occurs without people realizing it. And sometimes it takes very sudden and unexpected slides backwards.
SO - that so many folks today can say they are out - to spoon in theatres, to check out other guys in malls, etc. - how many gay people in the previous generation(s) had to filter, had to slip into roles that required a little alteration of personality - and then had to come out to the right people at the right time?
And how about those who remain firmly in place on 'fronts' where they were unexpected, undesired, or not permitted - silent and waiting: agents of change.
On the supposed "assimilation of gay culture into mainstream society..."
Borg? Where?
The idea that cultures move closer and further apart - is a constant theme in America. I see things that amuse and frustrate me to no end in how people strive to be different and cry for acceptance.
- Straight guys that dress as gay or gayer than any gay guy - adopting fashions, hairstyles, shoes that many gay men would shy away from. Of course, I sometimes suspect their girlfriends had a hand in this.- A black subculture in our country that has moved further from mainstream - creating its own vocabulary, music and idealogy. Very successfully. Only to find itself adopted and emulated.- Immigrant cultures that fear the loss of their own languages and customs as their children strive to melt into the culture which surrounds them. And watching as the culture which surrounds them adopts and emulates food, music, styles, etc. from the incomers.
Sexuality is integral to my being. But it is the least of the things that affect those I work with and socialize with. And it is the final thing I purposefully reveal - it is mine to do with what I will. It is not who I am. And should not be the thing by which I am weighed and measured.
I believe this is why - in polite society and company - it is customary to shake hands at meeting and not some other appendage.
Gay culture is a part of the world - threading itself neatly in and out of favor and in and out of history. Within the gay subset - individuals have found and will continue to find ways to reinvent and redefine themselves - over and over again.
Folks in the world will continue to see a thing they like - and in an effort to set themselves apart - they will adopt and emulate the things they see that they find pleasing or unique. Some social butterfly effect, a pebble dropped in a pond...
Whether I would be the marrying type or not - everytime I see this bumper sticker:
I want to just slam my car into the back of the car the sticker is on, shoving the bumper right up the arse of the hunch-backed, coke-bottle wearing, zit-squeezing "Defender of Marriage" with stray facial hair nervously gripping the steering wheel.
*With apologies to any non-Defenders who may be hunch-backed, coke-bottle wearing, or zit-squeezing. As for facial hair: razor, tweezer, wax - you decide.
I've been in long-term relationships. I've been in short-term ... engagements.
If you meet somebody and you *click* - and you are together with an understanding b/t the two of you (or three or four) - that's a [spiritual] union. And if that lasts 2 weeks or 80 years, it's your life and choice.
The LEGAL allowances and protections inherent to the Married. I think that is the aim. And these are things that are so quickly denied or stripped away.
The UNION decision is b/t the parties involved - and/or their friends & family they invite to witness their connection. And who support them. And if you are involved in a faith - and your faith embraces your Union - fantastic.
Of course... I have never been inclined towards the fanciness of marriage. And sometimes, witnessing folks that are desperate to achieve marriage - and then are made so unhappy by it - I wonder:
"Why would you wish this on anyone?"
AND when I see a couple skipping through the aisles of Target, zapping merchandise into their registry with the merchandise stun gun - I am emotionally overwhelmed with
An urge to slap their heads together Stooges-style.
But that's me - and I am Gay. But not as Gay as some others in my Tribe.
As for the Defense of Marriage - what the heck are people thinking anymore? It's all very separate - your state can approve/disapprove your legal union; your church can approve/disapprove your spiritual union. You make your choices accordingly - pick your church; vote your state into your way of thinking. In theory - right? In a Democracy - right?
A friend sent this to me today - and I thought I'd add it here:
*Ronald Reagan - divorced the mother of two of his children to marry Nancy Reagan who bore him a daughter only 7 months after the marriage.
*Bob Dole - divorced the mother of his child, who had nursed him through the long recovery from his war wounds.
*Newt Gingrich - divorced his wife who was dying of cancer.
*Dick Armey - House Majority Leader - divorced
*Sen. Phil Gramm of Texas - divorced
*Gov. John Engler of Michigan - divorced
*Gov. Pete Wilson of California - divorced
*George Will - divorced
*Sen. Lauch Faircloth - divorced
*Rush Limbaugh - Rush and his current wife Marta have six marriages and four divorces between them.
*Rep. Bob Barr of Georgia - Barr, not yet 50 years old, has been married three times. Barr had the audacity to author and push the "Defense of Marriage Act." The current joke making the rounds on Capitol Hill is "BobBarr...WHICH marriage are you defending?!?
*Sen. Alfonse D'Amato of New York - divorced
*Sen. John Warner of Virginia - divorced (once married to Liz Taylor.)
*Gov. George Allen of Virginia - divorced
*Henry Kissinger - divorced
*Rep. Helen Chenoweth of Idaho - divorced
*Sen. John McCain of Arizonia - divorced
*Rep. John Kasich of Ohio - divorced
*Rep. Susan Molinari of New York - Republican National Convention Keynote Speaker - divorced
I may not be the marryin' kind - I like it out there on the open prairie (?) - but if I wanted to marry one day or form a legal union with a consenting partner - WHY DOES IT FRIGGIN' MATTER TO ANYONE ELSE?
I had this boss - a fairly good-looking 50-something gentleman... balding, wrinkles, normal wear-n-tear.
He went on a two month "vacation".
He returned with a blondish-orange crew-cut rug. He returned with raised cheek bones, a slightly hooked aquiline nose, a be-dimpled chin. And he returned with eyebrows raised to the heavens. Some kind of tattoing process?
He never mentioned it. He acted like we couldn't tell and as if he'd always looked this way.
To me, he had lost his character. And - it actually felt like a bit of his soul, too. He was obviously concious of his changes, but really carried on as if this was the set of features he'd been born with.
So I always wonder... at the age o' 33... what would I do? What will I feel about myself as I age? Will it be easier than it seems or harder than it ought to be?
And at most given moments, I just try to go with the flow, take care of myself: exercise, eat, sleep, learn, and laugh as hard as I can everytime the opportunity presents itself.
Why do so many people have an inherent need to destroy and dissemble every view point that is not their own?
I have been a member of a community group for nearly three years that is somewhat grass-roots.
And they have just sent out their latest newsletter with an article lambasting (word?) another local organization for supporting the Boy Scouts - or in actuality, permitting the Scouts to meet.
Supporting the Scouts is discrimination.
Tearing the Scouts out by the root is apparently not.
A witch hunt is a witch hunt. Even if it is a bunch of frustrated members of a minority group performing the task.
Ugly is.
More on this later...
~10:50pm
I'm starting to think more about all of it - and sometimes it makes my head hurt.
1) The operators of the community center make a space available to those who pay for their time - there are rules, I am sure - still, the BSA are welcome, the GLBT (gay-lesbian-bi-trans) group is welcome.
2) The GLBT group I belong to is attacking the community center for making the space available to the BSA. The BSA doesn't protest the GLBT group using the space. The GLBT group is not going to stop using the space and find a new home. They suddenly want the community center to eject the BSA (both have been there for a number of years).
3) The BSA believes a certain thing. The GLBT believes a certain thing. They don't believe the same thing. GLBT is encouraging a public pressure on the community center.
4) Does anybody get to win?
I don't like hate/exclusion/archery or its propagation. I spent my time in the Navy and don't understand the hooplah about Gays in the military. I don't get what the BSA thinks its ban on gays accomplishes. If they're there, they're there. Some of the young scouts are about the age where they will just be coming aware of their sexual yen.
I am just curious what others think, too. My initial reaction to the letter was, "My GLBT group is a bunch of Plugs."
However, what others have said to me today resonates on a different plane than I was thinking on - so I am stepping back and thinking about it...
I guess the pressure thing is what it is - it works, it fails, it frustrates.
~ 08.12.01
I believe in a way I am glad that someone is choosing this battle -
But it took me off guard to find that a group I have identified with very well, and seen eye-to-eye with on so many issues is the group raising the battle cry.
And I find myself suddenly feeling outside the group.
My people. My tribe.
I think that writing this out has helped me see it is that really from which my initial reaction comes.
